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משבר כתיבה

כמעט שנתיים חלפו מאז הטור האחרון שלי, תקופה שבה פשוט שנתקלתי במחסום כתיבה, שתקע אותי כהוגן.

כמעט שנתיים מהטור האחרון

קצת כמו בחיי האישיים האמת, אני מרגיש תקוע, עומד במקום במקרה הטוב, אם לא הולך אחורה.

כמו ריקוד חיזור של ציפור ה"חוברה", על ספידים, מחובר לכיסא חשמלי. ארבעה צעדים קדימה, שבעה צעדים אחורה, שמונה קפיצות במקום. בקיצור הבנתם? לא המקום שאם היו נותנים לכם לתאר כמקום טוב שתרצו להיות, הייתם מתארים את זה.

אז מה קרה לי במהלך השנה ושמונה חודשים האלה שבהם לא הצלחתי לכתוב טור אחד אפילו?

מאיפה להתחיל?

חשבתי שאני שולט במתרחש בחיי, זה מה שקרה. למען האמת, חייתי בכאוס מוחלט, של התפרצויות דופמין לא מפוקחות, שגרמו לי לחשוב שאני מהמטה גנדי מינימום, כשבעצם ברחתי מלהסתכל במראה ולומר את האמת לעצמי.

אתה, (כלומר אני) עומרי שלום, עוד לא מוכן לזה. אתה אולי חושב שאתה מוכן, מתנהג כאילו אתה מוכן, אבל בתכלס, אתה לא מוכן. ולא משנה כמה אתה מנסה לערבב את הסובבים אותך, (שבהם פגעת הכי הרבה) אולי הם אכלו את זה, אבל לעצמך אתה לא יכול לשקר.

הדבר הכי נורא בלחיות בהכחשה הוא, שאתה לא יכול לברוח מעצמך. לא משנה כמה ניסיתי, מה עשיתי, ועם מי עשיתי, תמיד כשחשבתי שזהו, הנה, ניצחתי את השדים שלי בראש, בא יצר הרע ( או הטוב בעצם ) בשעות האלה של הלילה, כשאני לבד, אחרי עוד לילה של קרחנה, ושם לי מראה ענקית מול הפנים.

אותה מראה שהשווצתי מולה עם 8 הקוביות שלי בבטן, שיקפה לי את הבלוף הכי גדול שיש.

אתה יכול לברוח מכולם, אבל אתה לא יכול לברוח מעצמך.

אני מול המראה…

יש משפט יפה ששמעתי, שנכון כל כך לחיי, ואני בטוח שנכון גם לאחרים, והוא הולך כך: " היקום יחזיר אותך כל פעם לאותו המקום, עד שתלמד לשנות את עצמך. עד שתלמד לא לחזור על אותן הטעויות בתקווה לתוצאה שונה כל פעם ".

אני חושב שהגעתי לנקודה הזו, שלמדתי לשנות את אותם דפוסי התנהגות שהובילו אותי לכאוס הזה. ולפני שאתם חושבים " הנה עוד אחד שמתקרבן ומתמסכן ומי ישמע איזה חיים קשים יש לו ", תנו לי לומר לכם, שאני לא הייתי משנה כלום בהתנהלות שלי בשנתיים האחרונות.

אני יכול לומר לכם, שלחיות בכאוס שחייתי בו, היו לכך השלכות כבדות מאד על המערכת הנפשית, פיזית, והכלכלית שלי, אבל אווווו בויייי החיים המטורפים שאני עשיתי, והחוויות שאני חוויתי, מעט מאד, מעט מאד מאד אנשים, יכולים לומר שחוו.

אני לא חושב שיכולתי לחוות את אותן החוויות לולא הייתי במצב כאוטי על גבול אובדני שכזה ואסביר.

יש משהו מאד משחרר בלחיות בסוג של ורטיגו כזה. הלגיטימציה שנתתי לעצמי לעשות ולחוות דברים בגלל אותו מצב נפשי, לא הייתה מתקבלת אלמלא הייתי חזק עם סנטר יציב.

והיום כשאני כבר למוד טעויות, רווי חוויות, ובעל בינה (מסוימת) אני יכול להישען אחורה על הכורסא, עם כוס פינה קולדה ( לא באמת ) ולהיזכר ב- "כמה יפים היו אותם ימים.."

מזכיר לעצמי שהכל בסדר

רגשות אשם

אין בי שמץ של הלקאה עצמית, או תחושת כישלון. אני שלם עם עצמי ועם ההתנהגות שלי, מהטעם הפשוט שבעוד חודשיים אחגוג 42 ואם לא הבנתי עד עכשיו מי אני, אז אני אינני אני אם לא אני מי אני? סתם סתם. אני יודע מי אני היום, אני מודע לחוזקות שלי ובעיקר לחולשות שלי שאותן אני מקבל בחמלה רבה  ולא מנסה להתכחש אליהן.

החולשות שלי עיצבו אותי למי שאני היום, אבא טוב שאוהב את ילדיו מעבר למה שהדמיון יכול לתאר. בחור שראה הרבה כאב בחייו, חווה הרבה משברים שהיו מפרקים כמעט כל אדם אחר מבלי יכול להתאושש, ובכל זאת כאן כדי לעזור לכל מי שיצטרך ונמצא במקום לא טוב בחייו, לצאת ממנו חזק יותר ובוגר יותר.

עבורכם ולמענכם תמיד

אז אני לוקח את השנתיים האחרונות, אורז יפה בכספת של הזכרונות, ומתחיל להתמקצע בצורה הטובה ביותר על מנת להיות הגרסה הזו שמפתחת אנשים ומעצימה אותם.

נרשמתי ללימודי קאוצ'ינג, ואני מבין שיש בי מתנה גדולה,והיא היכולת לעזור ולהעצים אנשים, יחד עם התזונה והכושר שאני עוסק היום, אני אתן בית חם ותומך למי שרק יצטרך.

אז אחרי הפתיחה הכבדה הזו, תנו לי קצת להקליל את המצב.

חזרתי מברלין לפני שבועיים 😊

הזריחה מעל בולגריה כנראה לא בטוח 🙂

אז קחו כוס קפה, תה, צאי, או סחלב חם, ותפנו כמה רגעים לכתיבה רדודה  של הומור, סליזיות וזיקנה שלא פוסחת עלי.

אז ברוכים הבאים לטיסת אל-על שיצאה ביום חמישי בשעה 06:00 ונחתה בברלין בשעה 09:00 זמן מקומי.

כבר בנחיתה בברלין ולאחר שנה שלא הייתי שם, כשהטייס קורא בכריזה, צוות להתיישב גובה עשר, הרגשתי עקצוצים נעימים באיזור של הפיפי.

השילוב האולטימטיבי, דרכון אירופאי וטרולי בלבד!

הבחור החמוד שיש לידי, סוג של ערבוב בין בייגה שוחט לגלעד שליט קלט אותי נע ונד במושבי, ושאל, " פעם ראשונה שלך בברלין"? ואני, מחייך אליו חיוך נבוך ועונה " מרגיש כמו הפעם הראשונה"

אני יורד מהמטוס, עולה על מונית ושם פעמיי למלון הבית שלי הלא הוא

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כריס בת הזוג שלי לשעבר, והפרטנרית שלי לפשיעה שלנו בברלין כבר חיכתה לי עם מחסנית בהכנס, אפוד קרב משופצר במיטב הליקרים, מוכנה לקרב.

עשינו סיבוב ברים כהרגלנו ( כן ב-10:30 בבוקר) וכבר עוד לפני שהשמש הייתה בחצי הגובה, יכולנו לדבר ללמפות כבר.

מפה לשם, קבענו שיוצאים למועדון הידוע לשמצה בברלין הלו הוא הקיטקט.

כבר לקראת 19:00 הבנו שאנחנו בבעיה. אנחנו עייפים ושיכורים מידי. אמהמה? גילינו שפותחים את המועדון כבר ב- 20:00 ולא 23:00 כמו תמיד.

מחוייכים שמנו מחלצותינו ( אם אפשר לקרוא לזה בגדים) ונסענו להישבר באחד מהמקומות הכי מטורפים ומזוהמים עלי האדמות.

רבות סופר על המועדון הזה. אני באמת חושב שכל אחד צריך לפני מותו לבלות ערב אחד במועדון הכי זליזי, מטונף, בעל אווירת הסקס ביזארי הכי פסיכוטי בעולם.

ואז זה הכה בנו, 22:00 אווירת סקס וזוהמה באוויר, כולם בלבוש חצי עירום, ובמצב צבירה גז, ואנחנו מפהקים.

הזדקנתי? כן!

נפל דבר בממלכת שלום. אני, עומרי עמוס שלום, שפכתי לאגר בשעה 22:00 באחד ממועדוני הטכנו ( בסדדדררר טכנו עאלק) המטורפים של אירופה.

מפה לשם, עלינו על הובר ונסענו למלון לסיים את הערב כמו שצריך. מקלחת חמה, ושינה מתוקה.

מה אגיד ומה אומר, רק לפני שלוש שנים באותו מועדון בדיוק, ביליתי 72 שעות רצוף, מוצא את עצמי בשלב מסויים קשור לאהיל ושתי נשים ( שבסבירות גבוהה מאד היו אחיות תאומות) שפכו עלי שעווה רותחת לקול תרועתם של סוטי המועדון.

אהיל, לא אותו אהיל…

והנה עכשיו אני מבין שמה שהיה נכון אז, כבר לא רלוונטי לי להיום.  אני במקום אחר בחיים, מקום בוגר יותר, שלם יותר ופחות עסוק בברחה מעצמי ויותר בבנייה של עצמי.

אסיים את הטור הזה בתובנה שנחתה עלי לאחר השנת 2024 השנה הקשה בחיי.

תובנות כואבות!

אנחנו לומדים המון על אנשים כשאנחנו נמצאים במקום נמוך.

אבל הדבר שהכי צרם לי הוא לגלות שאנשים ירוצו לעזור לאנשים שהם לא מכירים, רק בשביל להשאיר רושם מזוייף ומלא באינטרסים, ולאנשים שקרובים להם, יפנו את הגב בשעת צרה.

הבנתי המון על כמה הסביבה שלי חייבת להיות בנויה מאנשי עילית. אנשים שכל מהותם הוא להיות אנשים טובים שרצונם שיהיה גם לאחרים טוב.

אנשים שלא יגרמו לך להרגיש חרא כשאתה כבר מרגיש חרא עם עצמך.

מילה אחרונה לסיום. אמא ואבא שלי האהובים, תודה שאתם שלי ועל מה שאתם עבורי. עברנו יחד שנה לא פשוטה, ואני מבטיח לפצות אתכם בשנת 2025.

אתם כל החיים שלי ויותר

שלכם תמיד,

עומרי עמוס שלום

ההייליט של הטיול היה ביקור בפריימרק עבור הילדים

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