לשרוף גשרים ככל שנחוץ

טור שעוסק בנקודה הכי קשה לי והיא ריצוי האחר על חשבון הנפש שלי בדוגמת סיפור סקס הזוי בברלין

אם אתם מרגישים טוב ומבלי למצמץ אפילו כשאתם אומרים לא לאנשים כאשר מבקשים מכם משהו, או שנכנסתם לסיטואציה שבה אתם צורחים לאאאאא מבפנים ואשכרה עומדים במילה שלכם לעצמכם אז הטור הזה לא בשבילכם ואתם יכולים להמשיך בעיסוקכם.

אלא אם בא לכם לשמוע על סיפור סקס הזוי שקרה לי בברלין. אם כן  אז תישארו!

חשבתי כך…. אז תכינו קפה או תה או צ'אי או וואטאבר שבא לכם, תתיישבו במקום נעים ותהנו מטור מאד כנה, חשוף ואמיתי שלי עם אפס מסכות ופוזות.

נעים מאד שמי עומרי עמוס שלום, בן 39.7 (בעת כתיבת טור זה) ו- יסמן לשעבר.

אולי לא לגמרי לשעבר, אבל אין ספק שאני כבר לא מתבייש או מרגיש שהבטן שלי מתהפכת כשאני אומר "לא" נכון ואמיתי למישהו.

חכו, חכו שנייה עם סיפור הסקס! יודע שאתם סקרנים אבל יש הקדמה לא פחות חשובה פה שבאה לתאר שנים של שיסוע עצמי ולא פחות מהתעללות לנפש בגלל הפחד הזה מלומר "לא" בסיטואציות שבאמת אני יודע שכל דבר אחר יחלל אותי ויגרום לי לריקון הנפש, האנרגיות, חשבון הבנק והכי גרוע, הערך שלי מול עצמי.

אז למה לא הייתי מסוגל לומר "לא"? במילה אחת, כי אני פחדן! בשתי מילים, פחדן וטיפש! הפחד שאנשים לא יאהבו אותי בגלל שאסרב להם הטריפה אותי. אני לא יודע למה הייתי כל כך חסר ביטחון ובור. המחשבה שאני צריך שכולם יאהבו אותי ויחשבו שאני לא פחות ממושלם גרמה לי לרצות אנשים קרובים ורחוקים מבלי להתחשב במה שאני באמת רוצה, מה שבאמת עושה לי טוב ומה שממלא אותי באמת, ולא ממלא אותי לכמה שעות ואז אני מבין מה עשיתי ומתחיל במסע שנאה עצמית ואכזבה עצמית שגרמו לי לתחושות נוראיות ולמצב נפשי זיפט.

אני מדבר איתכם על מצבים שבהם אנשים פנו אלי ברחוב וביקשו כסף ונתתי להם מה שהיה לי בארנק ונשארתי אני עצמי בסוף בלי כלום, ועד ל- אין דרך לתאר סקס עם מישהי בברלין שבאמת אבל באמת לא!!! פשוט לא!!!  אבל פחדן כמוני לא מסוגל לומר לא ( תאמינו לי שניתחתי את האירוע אחר כך בעודי מתבונן בתקרה והמום על מה שהתחולל בזירת האירוע שלא נבעה מחרמנות באמת שלא, אלא רק מתכונה ארורה של ריצוי ואפס עמוד שידרה) ולמה שנראה בעיניי אז מעשה הירואי של ג'נטלמניות וטוב לב. כזה אני! חייב לרצות את כל העולם ובמקרה זה פולנייה שהקשר בינה לבין הדוגמנית שהציגה עצמה באפליקציית ההיכרויות הארורה "טינדר" הוא מקרי בהחלט!!!!

טוב נו יאללה, הבנתי שאתם רוצים רכילות צהובה וזולה אז סיפור שהיה כך היה.

בשבועות הראשונים לפרידה ממש כשזה היה טרי והייתי שבר כלי, טסתי לברלין כי הייתי חייב לברוח מפה ולנשום אוויר. בעודי מחפש את עצמי בעיר כאיש מת מהלך אני מדבר עם חבר שמנסה לנחם אותי ואומר לי להפסיק לבכות וכמה הוא היה מוכן להתחלף איתי עכשיו ושאני "בושה למין הגברי" וכל שעלי לעשות זה לפתוח "טינדר" ופשוט "לברוח" מבלי לדפוק חשבון.

עכשיו זה העניין, אני לא חושב שאני שיא היופי כן, אבל יחסית לגבר בן 39 אני חושב שאני נראה בינוני מינוס עם הפנים קדימה לעבר הפלוס ובמגרש הזה אני יכול להסתדר יחסית בסדר אם אתלבש נכון, אסדר את השיער (ותודה לסבא רבה שמעון ז"ל שהיחיד מבני המשפחה שהיה לו שיער על הראש וכנראה איכשהו זה הגיע אלי ואני לא (עדיין) קירח ) ואתן התזה של בושם.

אי לכך ובהתאם לזאת סחבק מחליט לפתוח טינדר ולראות על מה כל המהומה.

שמעו, עד אז רק שמעתי סיפורים. עכשיו זה קיבל פן מוחשי בדמות פרצופים ומשחק שבאמת אבל באמת אני חושב שהוא מזעזע ומחפיץ נשים וגברים כאחד, אבל כנראה שזה עובד כל עוד ברורים וכנים. אז סוויפ ימינה שמאלה ויש לך תעסוקה של שעות אפילו, ואם אתה מחזיק ביד כוס וויסקי עם קרח בכלל קרנבל בנחל קרנבל.

מפה לשם, עוד לא נמסה קוביית הקרח בכוס הוויסקי ויש לי מאץ' ( בעברית "התאמה") עם עלמה פולנייה העונה לשם מריה (אני חושד ב 97% שזה לא שמה האמיתי אבל בואו לא נתקטנן וניטפל לדקויות עכשיו למה זה הולך ומחמיר)

בת 26 ועל פי התמונות נראית מינימום לקחה מקום שש בתחרות היופי של העיר לודג' בפולין.

באותם ימים מקום שש הוא בהחלט הרבה מעבר לכל מה שיכולתי לדמיין.

 בשביל מישהו שהביטחון העצמי שלו נמצא בריצפה והלך הרוח שלו שווה ערך לאחד שגילה שכרטיס הלוטו שלו זכה בפרס הראשון רק בעיה קטנה הוא שכח לשלוח את הטופס.

נוסיף על כל זה שהתמונות שאותה לודג'ית שמה בעמוד שלה צולמו די בחשכה ורובן תמונות פנים אבל איך אומרים "מכוער לא יודע שהוא מכוער וטיפש לא יודע שהוא טיפש" ככה אני מתעלם מכל סימני האזהרה וקובע דייט לאותו היום בערב בבר של המלון שבו ישנתי.

קבענו לשעה תשע בערב ואני מרוב התרגשות או טמטום (תקראו לזה איך שתרצו) מתחיל להוריד את מפלס הלחץ ב…. וויסקי עם קרח כמובן. שעה תשע ווואטסאפי מראה על הודעה נכנסת.

מריה: היי, הגעתי 🙂

אנוכי: מעולה, איפה את בדיוק

מריה: בכניסה לבר

הנוף מהמנקי בר בברלין

פה ההתרגשות הפכה לפאניקה והטמטום הפך למוחשי, למה הדמות שהופיעה בכניסה לבר רחוקה מהדמות שהופיעה בתמונות בערך כמו שכדור הארץ רחוק מהירח

עכשיו קחו אותי באותם ימים כן, שבר כלי עם ביטחון בריצפה וכבר במצב שתוי צריך לקבל החלטה שלא מביישת טייס בקרב אוויר. מה עושים? מה לעזאזל עושים? אני מסתכל ורואה מולי מישהי שכנראה שאם נלך מכות היא תפרק לי את העצמות וכל זה תוך כדי נגיסות בנקניק סוס הידוע כמעדן בפולין.

נחזור להודעות.

אנוכי: אני בדיוק מסיים להתארגן ועולה לבר תתיישבי ואני כבר מגיע ( פה אני גאה בעצמי על שלא הייתי טיפש לסמס לה שאני כבר בבר)

אנוכי שוב: אח שלי יש לנו בעיה ( מסמס לחבר שלי שייעוץ לי עצה מה עושים) קבעתי עם מישהי מהטינדר מפה לשם, מכיר את זה שבסרט האימה הבחורה ברחוב רואה בחושך דמות ואת הצל הענק שלו על הריצפה והיא פוחדת? אז אני הבחורה אחי.

חבר: מלא סמיילי צוחק ואז אומר לי את המשפט הבא " אחי, כבוד העם היהודי מונח על כתפיך, אתה לא מבייש אותנו ויוצא לקרב רק מה? תכפיל את המינון של הוויסקי ומעכשיו אתה מזמין מנות כפולות. ואל תשכח כל 2 הופך ל- 9 אחרי כמות מספקת של אלכוהול!

אני מבקש לא לשפוט אותי באותם ימים כן! עכשיו קבלו וויז'ן. אני עם ביטחון בריצפה ומפורק לרסיסים דופק בשלוק את מה שנשאר בכוסית הוויסקי ואומר לעצמי את המשפט האלמותי של סרג'יו קונסטנצה "תחי מדינת ישראל, כל הכבוד לצה"ל" וזורק את הכוסית הריקה על השולחן לידי, הולך אליה ומציג את עצמי.  נייס טו מיט יו, מתיישב ומזמין מנה כפולה במיידי.

כוסית מספר אהההה מי סופר

הפרצוף שהיה לי שווה ערך לפרצוף שלכם אם אשאל אתכם כמה זה 4758 כפול שורש 584 בריבוע מינוס פאי!!!

האמת שהתפתחה שיחה מאד אישית וכנה , מתברר ש"מריה" עברה מפולין לגרמניה, התאהבה בבחור גרמני שהכניס אותה להיריון ועזב אותה דקה וחצי אחרי הלידה (כלב אפס מאופס! מיץ של הזבל שבזבלים ) והיא מגדלת לבדה את הילדה שלה בברלין. פה בערך כבר הבנתי שאני הולך להישבר למה עם סיפור קורע לב כזה, כל מה שרציתי זה לחבק אותה ולומר לה שהכל יהיה בסדר.

אני יושב ומסתכל עליה ואומר לעצמי וואו, איזה סיפור מטורף של בחורה צעירה בסך הכל במדינה זרה וצריכה להתמודד עם דבר כזה, ואני ברוך השם עם ילדים מדהימים מאהבת נעוריי ובאיזה זכות יש לי בכלל לקטר ולבכות כי וואו איזה סיפור מטורף.

בשלב מסויים כבר הפסקתי לספור את כוסות הוויסקי ואזרתי אומץ לשאול אותה בכנות אמיתית למה התמונות שהיא שמה בטינדר לא תואמות את המציאות הנוכחית?

תשובתה הכנה והלא פחות מרגשת פירקה אותי לרסיסים וידעתי שזה קרב אבוד מול עצמי גם אם כל רמ"ח איבריי בגוף צרחו לאאאאאא.

היא ענתה שקודם כל היא מצטערת שהיא באה ישר מהעבודה ולא התקלחה אפילו והסיבה לכך היא ואני נשבע לכם בכל היקר לי שזה מה שהיא ענתה: " לא האמנתי שמישהו שנראה כמוך ירצה בכלל להסתכל עלי ולכן לא טרחתי להשקיע בעצמי לדייט הזה, חשבתי שאתה פרופיל מזוייף כי למה שאחד כמוך התסכל על מישהי כמוני אבל בעבור האחוז אחד סיכוי אמרתי שאבוא וכשראיתי אותך ניגש אלי רציתי למות ממבוכה. והתמונות הן מלפני ההיריון כי עכשיו אף אחד לא יסכים לפגוש אותי בטח לא אחד שנראה כמוך ובחיים שלי לא הייתי עם מישהו שנראה כל כך טוב.

אני חושב שבטהובן לא היה מצליח לפרוט על הפסנתר כמו שמריה פרטה על מיתרי ליבי באותו הרגע וכולי הוצפתי בבת אחת בכל פלטת הרגשות האפשריות החל מגאווה שהיופי שלי תופס בפולין ועד בושה וכעס נוראי על עצמי כי שחשבתי שהיא עשתה לא פחות ממעשה נוכלות של לשים תמונות לא תואמות את המציאות והיא בנאדם פי אלף יותר טוב ממני כי מה היא בסך הכל רוצה? מה שכולנו רוצים? להרגיש שווים, להרגיש נחשקים ולהרגיש שייכים ואני בשיא חוצפתי לא ראיתי את זה.

אז מה אתם הייתם עושים במצבי? אומרים לא! כי זה הדבר הנכון לעשות למרות כל מה שהיא אמרה לי כי וואלה אתה יכול לחרטט בקורות חיים שלך אבל לא יכול לחרטט ולהציג מצג שווא בטינדר כי זה לא מגניב בכלל?

או שאתם אומרים כן ומרעידים את עולמה כי וואלה יש רגעים בחיים שהייאוש והאכזבות ושיברון הלב גדולים ממך כבר וכל מה שאתה רוצה זה רק פאקינג לילה אחד להרגיש שאתה שווה, שאתה לא כישלון מהלך ושאתה נמצא בדיוק במקום שלה רק עכשיו אתה בצד השני של "הכוח"?

הקו שעובר בין עשיית מעשה טוב שגורם לך להרגיש טוב לבין מעשה של ריצוי על חשבון הנפש הוא דק כחוט השערה. במקרה הנ"ל מדובר בסיפור קליל וזניח יחסית אבל הריצוי הזה הופיע בחיי בסיטואציות הרבה יותר מורכבות ומהותיות שהזיקו לי בפן הרגשי, אישי ועסקי שההשלכות שלהן קיימות עד היום לצערי, אבל אני עם הפנים קדימה כי את העבר לא ניתן לשנות.

אני עובד על עצמי ונמצא בטיפול פסיכולוגי אצל אריאלה המדהימה שעוזרת לי להבין את הדקויות. אנחנו עובדים המון בפן המנטלי ושמים דגש על הקטע הזה שאני חייב תמיד לצאת טוב מול הסביבה שלי. היא מלמדת אותי להיות קשוב לצרכים האמיתיים שלי קודם כל, לשים את טובתי האישית ולא את טובתו של האחר בסיטואציות שאני יודע שלא יקדמו אותי ורק ימשכו אותי למטה. ושוב, אני לא מדבר על לעשות טובה לחבר בקטנה, אלא על סיטואציות שיכולות בחלק מהמקרים לשנות חיים עד כדי כך.

זה קשה ויש לי נפילות אבל כיום אני יודע לקום מהן ולא לתת להן לשקוע ולהשקיע אותי במרה שחורה. זו עבודה יום יומית והמון שיחות עם עצמי שאני צריך לחשוב על עצמי ועל מה שעושה לי טוב באמת ולא משחיט לי את הנפש.

אומרים שאדם מרצה לא הופך להיות נאהב יותר אלא מנוצל יותר. זה כל כך נכון (לפחות לגביי), כמות הפעמים שהרגשתי מנוצל פשוט ע"י אנשים שרק רציתי לעזור ולעשות טוב בעזרת ריצוי היא עצומה. היום אני יודע שזה בסדר להיות בנאדם טוב שעוזר אבל זו החובה שלי לומר גם לא! במקרים שאני יודע שלא יעשו לי טוב אחר כך.

היום אני לומד לבחור בעצמי.

נ.ב

!!!!!I ROCKED HER F****** WORLD

חלקכם הכרתם אותי בתקופה הגרועה שלי שבה הייתי חסר גבולות ואדם שמרצה אנשים, תנו לי להציג את עצמי מחדש אני שורף גשרים כשצריך!!!!!

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  219. עומרי יקירי,
    האמת שגליתי אותך ממש לא מזמן ברשתות, ואתה מקסים, אני נמסה מהאבהות שלך. אתה ערכי, מלא אהבה, ומאז הגירושין אתה לא מפסיק לבחון את הגבולות שלך ומוכן לשלם מחירים על כך. לא הפסקתי לחייך לכל אורך הקריאה, והשיא – שצחקתי בקול הגיע ב"תחי מגינת ישראל…והכבוד היהודי" (אין אין…ערכים אמרנו?).
    לעניין הטינדר – אומרת לך כגרושה – אין מי שלא מגיע לדילמה הזאת – לקפוא במקום או לברוח. זה קרה לי עם חרדי! סיפור הזוי – שהקשר בין התמונות שנעלה למציאות שנגלתה לעיני היו ברמה שחשבתי שיגאל שילון חזר לעשות מתיחות. לבסוף אחרי ששמעתי את סיפור חייו המטורף קפאתי, הפשרתי )בלי ויבקי🤪) ונפרדתי ממנו יפה לשלום. אפשר לסיים את המפגש בהקשבה, חמלה וחיבוק, לא חייבים למכור את הגוף כדי להיום טובים. אני בטוחה שזה היה שיעור ( קשוח משהו) עבורך. ותמיד תזכור – אדם לא יודע את מה שהוא יודע עד שהוא יודע❤
    המשך לטפס למעלה אלוף!

  220. אוהבת את הכתיבה שלך🥰
    מאוהבת בשנינות שלך❤️
    ושלא נדבר על מה שמרגישה אליך🤦‍♀️
    מאחלת לך שתמצא את האחת
    בדיוק זו שמתאימה לך🙏🏻
    ותחזר לטינדר בהבטחה יש שם שוות😜

  221. עומרי אני אוהבת אותך כאדם. אתה מקסים. הלוואי שתמצא את שאהבה נפשך.
    לכולנו תקופות כאלה ואחרות בחיים. גם אני סופר שיפוטית כלפי עצמי ומנסה לשחרר כל הזמן.
    חייבת לומר שעלתה בי המחשבה האם הייתי מריה 😝 נשיקות

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