היפי קאי איי מאדר פאקר אתה בן 40!

טור לגיל 40 עם תבונות וכמובן מידע שעדיף שהיה שאשמור לעצמי :) נ.ב התמונה למעלה, שלט הכניסה לדאנס בר בברלין

מאיפה להתחיל? מזה שאני לא מאמין שהגעתי לגיל 40? מזה שלא דמיינתי שאגיע לגיל 40 בסטטוס הזה? או אולי מהדרך שחגגתי את גיל 40 בברלין? (ספויילר, ההיפך המוחלט מכל הנסיעות בשנתיים האחרונות שלי) עוד נגיע לברלין והדרך המפתיעה שחגגתי ולומר את האמת אפילו די אהבתי.

אז חברים אני עומרי עמוס שלום בן 40 וזה הסיפור שיש לי לספר לכם, עד כמה שאני יכול לספר בפתיחות ובשקיפות.

אני אוהב לטוס קל… טרולי ותיק גב וביייי

נחזור בזמן שנתיים לרגע הפרידה ועד בערך לפני חצי שנה

הייתי במוד של הרס עצמי קיצוני ובמצב נפשי לא להיט בלשון המעטה. מהרגע שפקחתי את העיניים בבוקר ועד לרגע שעצמתי אותן כל מה שעניין אותי זה לברוח מהמציאות הנוראית שנקלעתי אליה ועם אפס יכולת להתמודד, הדרך לאבדון הייתה קלה.

למעט כמה מקרים בהם הרגשתי טוב לרגע וחשבתי שעליתי על דרך המלך – הזוגיות הראשונה לאחר הפרידה עם נועה, שבפעם הראשונה הרגשתי משהו אמיתי למישהי שהיא לא ירדן. הקשר עם שירן, שאומנם היה קצר אבל השפיע עלי מאד לטובה כי ברכות שלה חיברה אותי לעצמי ולאבינו שבשמיים, וכמובן הזוגיות שאני לא יודע איך לתאר במילים עם כריס (קיצור של כריסטין) בת הזוג הגרמנייה ש…טוב אני אשתוק כי באמת עדיף שאשתוק! עוד אזכיר אותה בהמשך ועד אז תודה לכן על רגעי נחת, לנצח אנצור זאת. שאר הזמן היה מוקדש למתיחת גבולות קיצונית ומה אגיד ומה אומר, מסתבר שאפשר למתוח את החבל באמת בהגזמה והוא עדיין לא יקרע.

פה אני נותן את הקרדיט לאבא שבשמיים שהחליט לא לוותר עלי ולתת לי כוחות לשרוד את הטרללת שחוויתי.

אין לי הרבה חברים, אני אומנם מכיר המון אנשים, חלקם בקשר טוב ועם חלקם פחות אבל חברי אמת, הגרעין שיודע עלי הכל וחווה אותי בכל קשת המצבים, איתם אני צריך לכתוב ספר על חיי ובעיקר על השנתיים אחרונות אבל בהינתן העובדה שספר כזה יהיה לא פחות מהטלת פצצת אטום…אני אחכה איתו עד שלני וגפן יהיו גדולים מספיק על מנת שאספר להם הכל מפני שאני לא רוצה שהם יקראו או ישמעו את זה בדרך אחרת.

הרבה תובנות היו לי לקראת גיל 40, הזוי איך שהזמן טס. אני זוכר את יום ההולדת ה-40 של אבא שלי. אבא שלי!!! והנה אני חוגג 40 וזה הזמן לחשבון נפש.

אתחיל בזה שאני לא מצטער על שום דבר שעשיתי ו\או קרה לי. הכל עיצב אותי ולימד אותי ובעיקר חישל אותי להיות חזק, מחובר לעצמי ושלם עם עצמי מאי פעם.

אני כן יכול לומר שאם הייתה ניתנת לי ההזדמנות, כן הייתי עושה דברים אחרת (סליחה, אבל אני לא מאמין לכל אלה שאומרים שלא היו עושים שום דבר אחרת והם שלמים עם כל החלטה שעשו) בחלק מהמקרים, זה לא סותר שאני לא מצטער על דברים אלא פשוט אולי פועל אחרת באותה נקודת זמן.

אני אומר לעצמי כל הזמן שאין לי על מה להתעכב בגלל העבר, ודברים שאני לא יכול לשנות לא צריכים בכלל להעסיק אותי כי מה זה יעזור?

אני קורא המון ספרים לאחרונה, ספרים על העצמה אישית והעשרה לנפש ודבר אחד מיוחד אני רוצה לשתף אתכם.

אין לנו עבר ואין לנו עתיד. מטורף לומר את זה נכון?

אז ההסבר למחשבה ההזויה הזו הוא כזה:

כשאני אומר שאין לנו עבר ואין לנו עתיד אני מתכוון לעובדה שהאגו מנהל אותנו. האגו שלא נותן לנו להשתחרר מהעבר ומייצר לנו מלא בעיות שב-99% לא קיימות עדיין לגבי העתיד. תחשבו על זה שנייה לפני שתגידו שאיבדתי את שפיותי. האגו שלנו, אותו יצר בעייתי שגורם לרבים מאיתנו סבל ואי נחת הוא הגורם לזה שההווה (הדבר היחיד שיש לנו באמת) יראה כמו שהוא נראה ולכן בהנחה שאת העבר אי אפשר לשנות והוא "מת" ואת העתיד מי יכול לנבא, כל מה שיש לנו באמת זה רק ההווה שאותו אנחנו חיים בהתאם לרמת האגו שלנו.

אני מבין היום לאחר ייסורים ואינספור ספרים ותובנות, שאם אני נמצא במקום לא טוב כיום, זה בגלל שהאגו שלי חוסם אותי מלהיות במקום טוב נקודה.

אני חוזר ואומר והפעם גם באותיות מודגשות!!!

אם אני נמצא במקום לא טוב כיום, זה בגלל שהאגו שלי חוסם אותי מלהיות במקום טוב נקודה.

התרגול הזה בלשחרר מהאגו הוא קשה מנשוא. האגו שלנו נכנס לנו כמעט בכל סיטואציה בחיים וגורם לנו לפעול בצורה שאנו פועלים.

קחו לעצמכם כמה דקות ותחשבו כמה פעמים פעלתם או נפגעתם או פגעתם או הגבתם בגלל האגו?

נפגעתם? בגלל אגו.

בספר החובה לקריאה של דון מיגל רואיס ארבע הסכמות, הוא מדבר על ארבע הסכמות שאם תגזור על עצמך החיים שלך יהיו פחות או יותר גן עדן עלי אדמות. ההסכמה השנייה בספר מדברת על

"אל תקחו שום דבר אף פעם באופן אישי"

מפני שאם מישהו פוגע בכם או פועל בצורה מסוימת כלפינו, זה שייך לו ואין לזה קשר אלינו. אותו אדם נמצא במקום מסוים עם עצמו והחליט להוציא עלינו את תסכולו או וואט אבר ולכן אנחנו לא צריכים לקחת כלום באופן אישי, ואם נפגענו זה כי האגו נפגע.

כנ"ל לגבי אם פעלנו בצורה מסוימת או הגבנו על משהו, הכל זה אגו שיושב לנו במאחורה של הראש ומשחק לנו בעצבים וברגשות.

אז עם התובנה הזו שאין עבר ועתיד אלא רק הווה שאותו אני צריך לחיות לפי צו מצפוני וראות עיני אני פותח את העשור החמישי לחיי בצורה סבבה לאללה.

(ברור לי שלא כולם יסכימו עם התובנה הזו אבל היי… הסכמה שנייה בספר, אני לא לוקח אישית את זה והכל טוב העיקר שנהיה בטוב)

אההה ברלין.

אז ככה, כפי שכבר סיפרתי ואף נתתי לכם טעימה בטור האחרון שכתבתי, כבר הבנתם שמסעותיי לברלין בשנתיים האחרונות היו פורקן חסר תקנה ועכבות שכמעט והביא אותי למצב של בר מינן ואני לא צוחק.

טוב אולי עכשיו כשאני כותב את הטור הזה ונזכר אני כן צוחק חחחחחחח מתתתתתתתתת (אולי מת זו לא המילה הנכונה להשתמש בה) ואם יש משהו שאני לא מצטער עליו וגם לא הייתי עושה אחרת זה השנתיים האחרונות.

מעטי מעט יודעים מה קרה באותם חדרים חשוכים ו\או תאי שירותים ו\או תחנות רכבת ו\או תאי מדידה של מותגי אופנה כאלה ואחרים ופה אסתום את פי ואנצור לשוני ואתם תחכו לספר שאוציא כי כבר נתתי לכם מספיק חומר למחשבה, ונעבור לנסיעת יום ההולדת 40 שבאה לי בהפתעה גמורה ולטובה.

אז כבר אמרתי שחוויתי משבר גיל 40 בערך חודשיים לפני יום ההולדת וממש נכנסתי לדיכי רציני. כמו שאמרתי, לא כך דמיינתי לחגוג שינוי קידומת ולא אשקר. אבל המציאות הביאה אותי לתכנן מסלול מחדש וכשרכשתי כרטיס טיסה פתאום משהו הכה בי. משהו בי השתנה, אולי זה המקום הטוב שאני נמצא בו כעת, אולי ההבנה שדייייייי, שוב פעם לחזור על 96 שעות של אובדן חושים ואיבוד כל צלם אנוש ולחזור מרוקן נפשית כי בחייאת כמה אפשר כבר? עשית מה שבנאדם נורמטיבי לא יעשה בכמה גלגולי חיים ואני צנוע במה שאני אומר ולכן שלווה הזויה נחתה עלי והחלטתי שזהו.

אני חושב שזו הייתה אחת ההחלטות הכי קלות שקיבלתי, לטוס, ליהנות מהעיר בצורה הנכונה לי כיום, להטעין מצברים ופשוט לנשום.

נחתתי בברלין ביום חמישי ה -27 באפריל בשעה 20:30. מה שאומר שבעוד שלוש וחצי שעות אני מחליף קידומת ועקצוצים לא מתוכננים מתחילים להשתלט עלי ואני נכנס לפאניקה קלה, מודה.

אני מתחיל בסדרת נשימות עמוקות ומתחיל לדבר לעצמי שאני לא באמת רוצה את זה, אני לא זקוק לבריחות האלה יותר, ואני מודע להשלכות של אותן בריחות וזה רק עניין של לעבור את הלילה הראשון בשלום ואני על הגל.

וכך היה!!! אני מגיע למלון, מתקלח, מסתכל במראה וגאה בעצמי שבעוד שעה אני חוגג יום הולדת 40 עם האיש שאני הכי אוהב בעולם, עם עצמי!

אני בחדר המלון 27 לאפריל השעה 22:38- שעה עשרים ושתיים לפני החלפת קידומת זז לישון, נס!

אני נכנס למיטה, מוציא ספר ומתחיל לקרוא עד שאני פשוט נרדם. עשיתי את זה חברים, לכם אולי זה נשמע הזוי שככה אני מבסוט על עצמי אבל עבורי זו הייתה נקודת ציון משמעותית ביותר. היכולת לעמוד בפיתוי הבאמת עצום שהעיר הזו מציעה היא לא פחות מנס עבורי וככה יצא שאת גיל 40 פתחתי ברגל ימין וממש עפתי על זה.

את בוקר יום ההולדת פתחתי כבר ב 04:00 עם מדיטציה ולאחריה ריצת בוקר נדירה במזג אוויר מושלם.

אז אם עמדתי במבחן האש הראשון בליל הגעתי לברלין, הרי שעכשיו הגיע הזמן לראות ממה אני באמת עשוי והאם אני באמת חזק כמו שאני חושב.

חזרתי מריצה ונכנסתי להתקלח ולהתארגן ועוד בעודי במקלחת מתקלח במים קפואים כהרגלי, התחלתי להזיע מלחץ.

כריס! כן אותה כריס בת זוגי לשעבר קבעה איתי יום כיף הולדת שאמור להתחיל במסעדה מגניבה של ארוחות בוקר ואני מתחיל לנוע באי נוחות מהולה התרגשות וזיעה קרה עוד כשהמגבת עלי. עכשיו שנינו כבר נמצאים במקום אחר וניהלנו שיחה מקדימה על זה שאנחנו מתראים רק כחברים טובים ותו לא אבל, ויש אבל גדול.

ארוחת בוקר של אלופים 🙂

כריס היא הטריגר להתפרצות האלטראגו שלי. נכון שאני לא ילד ורק אני אחראי למעשי, אבל אם יש בן אנוש (לפחות עד כתיבת שורות אלו) שהצליח להוציא ממני דברים ברמה הקיצונית ביותר זו הייתה כריס.

והידיעה שיש לנו השפעה יותר מידי גדולה האחד על השנייה הביאה אותנו להחלטה להפריד כוחות כי אם יש לנו כוונה להמשיך לחיות על הכדור הזה, עדיף שנעשה זאת בנפרד ולא יחד.

אז כן, גם את יום הכיף הזה צלחתי כמו גדול והיה לי ממש נעים לבלות בצורה מתורבתת ופשוט ליהנות מהחלקים העדינים של העיר כמו שלא חוויתי בעבר.

96 שעות עברו ואני פשוט מרגיש מצוין.

נחתי כמו שצריך, אכלתי טוב ונהנתי בצורה בלתי רגילה כמו שלא חשבתי שאוכל וזה כנראה חלק מהתהליך שעברתי בתקופה האחרונה.

ארוחת ערב עם אנשים יקרים לליבי, משמאל לימין: לינו, מרי, כריס ואנוכי

חבר טוב שידע על משבר גיל הארבעים שלי הבטיח לי שיום אחרי יום ההולדת אני ארגיש מצוין. אני אבין עד כמה זה היה מיותר כל החששות שלי ושאין שום הבדל בין גיל שלושים ותשע וארבעים ויודעים משהו? הוא טעה קצת.

גיל ארבעים הביא עימו בגרות מסוימת. פרספקטיבה שונה לחיים, ומחשבות הרבה יותר מכילות ונעימות.

נכון שלא דמיינתי להיות גרוש בגיל 40, אבל כמו שאמרתי בהתחלה, אין עבר ועתיד, יש הווה חי, דופק וקיים וההווה שלי די סבבה.

אז בסדר, אני עדיין לא איפה שאני רוצה להיות. אבל בחייאת, כמה מאיתנו כן נמצאים במקום שהם רוצים להיות? ובידיעה שיש רק הווה, אז בהווה שלי אני אבא הכי טוב שאני יכול להיות ללני וגפן, בהווה שלי אני בריא טפו טפו, בהווה שלי יש לי דירה (שאם עליות הריבית האלה ימשיכו יחד עם החזרי המשכנתא אני כנראה אצטרך למכור כליה אבל בסדר צרת רבים נחמת טיפשים),

בהווה שלי יש לי משפחה נדירה שאני מודה לאלוהים על כל מה שהם עושים עבורי,

ובהווה שלי סוף סוף יש לי את הזכות לחיות לפי האמת שלי ולפי צו מצפוני מבלי לדפוק חשבון לאף אחד, כי בסופו של דבר אני זה שצריך להיכנס למיטה בסוף יום עם עצמי ולהיות שלם עם מי שאני.

אז חברים יקרים, אני עומרי עמוס שלום בן לאורה ויוסי שלום, אח למיטל ודותן ואבא של לני וגפן שלום, רוצה להודות לכם על כל הברכות, החום והאהבה שקיבלתי מכם לכבוד יום ההולדת וגאה בזה ששרדתי בשביל לספר לכם איך זה מרגיש להיות בן 40

תודה על הזכות שניתנה לי לשתף אתכם בטוב וגם בפחות טוב, תודה על הזכות להיות כנה ופתוח מבלי להרגיש רע מעצם היותי חלש לפעמים.

תודה תודה תודה

הסוללה טעונה במלואה ; )

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1,040 Responses

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